A SHORT SAGA OF NUKULER SAFTI

In the beginning there were two – – -a fat man and a little boy. And they begat Foor Mark who begat Bradbury who begat Sicks Mark, who begat Thor who begat Elsie who begat Brok. And numerous were the cousins and lesser kin who were named Uranin and Abnar and Tom and Nemo and Able and Squab. At first they all lived in seclusion, alone and aloof and mysteriously in the Land of Sandia where they were kept by the Master called A. Eecee and even though the Religion of Nukuler Safti was unknown at the time it did in fact exist in the finest kind since the Family resided in one House and other more volatile relatives called Ohninech and Lebenoh and Thurteenoh lived in another House.

And the man called Seenoh sayeth, “Permit me to hire this wondrous Family and permit me to transport them to the coastal plains where I will cause them to live deep within the bowels of great gray vessels which plow furrows in the sea”.

Now A. Eecee was gravely concerned about the care and feeding of his progeny so much that he compelled Deeohdeem who is the Seenoh’s master, to enter into a pact. And Seenoh was made to gather unto him all manner of artisans and wizards and tweeties and owners of wierd talents and form them into a caretakers union called Enessdubyayou of which there were three. They had not names as we know them but appellations based on the decimal system such as Foorsebentifurse and Ateontoo and Twelvthurdithurd. Great was their knowledge and skills in the Science to Tekops, which is a fanciful name for building bombs, so that they could perform their mysterious and complex tasks almost somnambulistically, pausing in the ritual only on occasion to make marks on whole pages of the Rosary of Checklist.

Now the Rosary of Checklist was derived from the ancients as they wrote in the Scriptures of the Esscee Manual and Endubyar and Endubyabee which were later proliferated by the moderns into Swop and Ohpee and Digest and Noosletter and House Organ and all manner of other Pubs whose quantity were initially measured by the page and later by the pound and even later by the lineal cubit.

A. Eecee and Deeohdee further sayeth, “To ensure that ye Enessdubyayou keep the faith, Baby, and maintain thy skills at a high level so as not to bend a spear nor break an arrow, both of which are mortal sins, ye will undergo trial by fire once every twelve moons and woe be unto ye who screwup for a fate known as Intens-Train awaits ye, and a religious obligation known as Passover Thy Leaders”. And so the Ritual of Enteepeei was founded and the Science of Tekops flourished and was good.

Then out of the Land of NOD came the one called Bew Ord. He cross-pollinated several of the Family and begat Betty and Lulu and “Leben Mark and a hog called Boar and a dog called Terrier and a monster of the deep called Reg-U-lus and a stepchild called Asroc and fish of the sea called Astor and Subroc and Polaris and Posiedon and even a Greek called Talos.

And Seenoh wrung his hands and wailed, “I have not enough caretakers to tend all these new relatives. I thus will make them simple by likening them into chunks of wood and then I can use Aohs and Tea-ems and Gee-emgees and Geemems to merely push them from fore to aft and back and fore again”.

And great became the number of great gray vessels and the neo-caretakers who lived therein, but the days of the Science of Tekops were numbered by the Family now likened to chunks of wood. And the Rectors of the Ritual of Enteepeei were sorely sorrowed for this likewise numbered their days and they could foresee their prestige and power waning.

But A. Eecee and Deeohdee spake again, saying, “With all these folks around there gotta be a need for a new religion which we gonna call Nukuler Safti and the high priest gonna be called Enessoh and he gonna enforce the Tumanrool and he gonna administer the Sacrements of Persrelprog”. And so it came to pass that Seenoh and his neophytes Boopers and Bew Med added chapters and verses to the Scritures already causing grievious strain and stress on the backbones of the great gray vessels.

And the Rectors of the Ritual of Enteepeei rejoiced for they were assured of their place on the hierarchy once more for now instead of concentrating on the lost Science of Tekops they mediated on the new Art of Papurwurk. And they giggled and scratched because that made them Eggspurt 1st Class, for you see, Dear Reader, they were assigned as Rectors as primary duty and little else to do save read the Scriptures while the neo-caretakers had to read and study and pick and choose and decide and determine applicability and interpret and yet still drive their great gray vessels and administer unto their people and sign chits and do their J.O. training courses and trim their beards and read Z-grams and celebrate Sigsekshunlibs.

And on the day of reckoning the Rectors of the Ritual of Enteepeei noted only one aberration from the Rosary of Checklist which is rated Prettidamgood in the Science of Tekops for this meant that the caretakers took care and probably would not bend a spear nor break an arrow before the next trial by fire twelve moons hence. But the Rectors noted with pleasure several reams of aberrations in the Art of Papurwurk and enacted the orgy of Brakwunoffinem.

And the youthful single-striped Enessoh, while licking his wounds and undergoing Repentence of Hack, whispered, “What is the real secret of the Religion of Nukuler Safti? What is Truth?”

Out of the mouths of babes. . . . . . . .

Anonymous

Given to me by Tom Best Sr., Spring, 1997

M. D. Snyder

TRANSLATIONS and ACRONYMS

(in order of use in the text)

Michael D. Snyder, October 1997